Author: dreamingstar2374
Reviewer: hyunsaeng4ever
I do not know dreaminstar2374 personally and I don’t mean to offend the author with this review. I only with to help her see some changes she could do or have done and provide my opinion on the story.
Title: 5/5
Forewords: 6/10
Plot: 15/15
I like the plot but you needed to execute it slowly and build up to it, not just go BAM! Here it is.
Flow (speed): 10/15
At times it was steady but then it was just too rushed. It would have been better if you had made a chapter for each guy that liked Yoojin and it chapter slowly build how JaeJoong breaks each relationship apart. It was just so fast when she went from one guy to another so quickly even though there were time skips.
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: 11/15
You had a few grammar mistakes like:
"I try shake his hands off but couldn't so I attempted to hit him on the chest." You forgot to add the word to after try. Okay the part from So and on could have been made into a separate sentence, combined it with the next sentence, or you could have deleted it since you wrote that she hit him in the chest in the next sentence.
"I budged inside to see a girl naked and stroking Junsus cock!" You could have used another word rather than budged in this sentence. In fact, you didn’t use the word in the correct way since it means to move or unchanged an opinion. It seemed that you were trying to make it into a more complex sentence but, again, you used a wrong word to do so.
There were many parts where you could have done the same thing instead of making the into really simple, six worded sentences.
A few punctuation mistakes:
"… stroking Junsus cock." don’t forget that you have to add apostrophes. You made this mistake a couple of times.
Characterization: 8/10
- Yoojin: She seems like a typical teen suffering from a broken heart, but you made her sort of an easy girl. She seems to go through boys like nothing even though she says she really liked them. Though I like when you had her say that she wasn’t completely over Junsu when she started to go out with Yunho.
- JaeJoong: I liked how he shows that he like Yoojin. His evil (but childish) plotting to make Yoojin his was different. I could sort of imagine him the way he looked in Dating on Earth(one of DBSK’s mini dramas). His inner conflict and his reactions were something I could see in my mind as I read.
- Junsu: Ok I didn’t see much of him but you showed how he can be manly (not just cute like everyone thinks).
- Yunho: I love how he seemed childish and happy when he asked Yoojin out and gave her chocolates, but you could have made him a bit more mature. You did show that when he broke up with Yoojin so that his father wouldn’t be fired.
- Changmin: Seemed childish but then that’s how he is sometimes in real life. Loved how you made him a bit of a romantic as well.
Yoojin and JaeJoong needed to be more round characters. They are after all the main characters. You could have added more on them although for a two shot it wasn’t that bad. Even though Junsu, Yunho, and Changmin aren’t the main characters, you could have them more round when you wrote them, like by adding more details or more to their personalities.
Setting/Details: 8/10
The setting was there but it was to simple. I had trouble seeing it. You could have added a few more descriptive details that can help the reader see what you saw as you wrote it. Pushing her against the wall(Junsu’s part), girl on the side walk (Changmin’s part), Jae cooking for Yoojin were all things I could see but you could have added more to them. JaeJoong’s room could have also used a few more detail as well, when Yoojin was looking for something sharp to commit suicide.
1- You used DBSK although you were missing Yoochun.
Total: 82/100
